Boundary Lines
There’s a “game” I play with people sometimes, one with no game pieces on a board, but instead where serious life elements are in motion. It causes no harm, and yet it can reveal something that needs to be seen. I don’t do this often, only when I get a nudge from the Holy Spirit.
I’ll listen to their story, their challenges, their troubles. Then I’ll reflect back to them a “boundary” in life that applies, and ask them to overlay that boundary to their challenge. I’ll ask something like, “What can this boundary show you about your situation?”. The reactions are fascinating.
Some people will pause. Think intentionally. Then their eyes take on a different look and they begin to see that they are wrestling with something that is outside of their control, not in their lane, beyond their capacity. Or perhaps they are carrying a wrong attitude that will be harmful in the long run if they do not change their perspective.
Oh but some people will not pause at all, wasting no time in disputing what I’ve shared and refusing to consider the boundary line. They w-a-n-t to take control, they insist on being in a-l-l the lanes, and they think they have the capacity to manage outcomes. I’ve learned that this kind of response simply means they are not yet humble enough to see what is needed.
Read this next line several times…
I use to be that person!
So, I do not judge or ridicule that person — instead I ache for them.
And while it’s of value for me to see it, it’s monumentally important for them to recognize it for themselves. The old saying, “It takes one to know one”, applies accurately here.
This sharing is important — but uncomfortable. Like a scratchy wool coat or new hiking boots. Oh but when the cold winds of life blow, we’re so thankful for the wool coat; we won’t notice its scratchiness at all as we focus only on the warmth it gives. And when the mountain climb is too high and too steep, we’ll be so thankful we wore our new boots on level ground and took the time to get use to them, for they are what we will need to make the climb.
There are boundary lines in life that are not written of in the scripture, but they are guided through inference and a willingness to “die to self”. Christ is the beautiful example of one who lived gracefully within the boundaries of life. I appreciate how Dr. Catherine Toon expresses Christ and boundaries: (she writes)
Jesus describes Himself as the Good Shepherd in John 10:1-18, and this analogy is a powerful picture of love with boundaries.
The sheepfold has a gate—it isn’t wide open for just anything or anyone to enter.
The Shepherd protects His sheep—He leads them in and out safely, ensuring that they are guarded from harm.
He lays down His life for the sheep, but He doesn’t allow thieves and wolves to enter freely.
The gate is not a rejection—it’s a protection. Love does not mean being endlessly available to every demand; it means guarding what is sacred.
I love how God’s love is both limitless and protective. He welcomes us fully, but He doesn’t enable harm, abuse, or dysfunction. We can mirror this in our own lives —loving deeply while setting healthy boundaries.
The first time I read about boundaries was in the book “Boundaries”, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. First printed in 1992 (that’s the one I read), it has now been expanded and was reprinted in 2017. This book is highly acclaimed by many, but criticized by some. People who do not want to feel the boundaries of others do not like the book. People who know the value of living well within healthy boundaries applaud it (Craig Groeschel, Dave Ramsey, Dr. James MacDonald to name a few).
In their book, Cloud and Townsend share 10 key boundaries needed in our lives, for the purpose of healthy mental, physical, emotional, and relational living. They are:
1. The Law of Sowing and Reaping - Scripture is clear on this one. Galatians 6:7-8, “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please their Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.” Each person is to manage their own sowing, no one else is responsible for my garden. I will reap what I sow.
2. The Law of Responsibility - The Law of Responsibility clarifies who is responsible for what. Gaslighting people do not like the truth of this law. Simply stated, the law of Responsibility says — I am responsible for what I do, think, feel and say — you are responsible for what you do, think, feel and say. Problems arise when boundaries of responsibility are confused. We are to love one another, not be one another. I can’t think for you. I can’t behave for you. I can’t grow for you; only you can.
3. The Law of Power — (this one was huge in setting me free dear ones). It simply and cleanly states, “We have power over some things, we do not have power over other things”. Once we grasp the moment when we’ve done all that was ours to do, we can be free to let go and LET GOD. “Be still and know that I AM GOD” Psalm 46:10a. Warren Wiersbe shares that “Be still” is more accurately translated to read “Take your hands off…”. Powerful words — “Take your hands off and know that I AM GOD”.
4. The Law of Respect - If we want others to give us respect, we must first give them respect. Jesus said, “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you.” Matthew 7:12. We should respect the boundaries of others, then they will have a greater capacity to respect our boundaries.
5. The Law of Motivation - What motivates us to do what we do? Is it love? For some it is fear…fear of others being displeased with us…fear of making someone angry or hurt with us…fear of losing a relationship. So we do what we think they want us to do rather than what we know is ours to do. Fear is a cruel master. God calls us to freedom (with good guidelines). The Law of Motivation says — Freedom first, service second. If you serve to get free of your fear, you are doomed to failure. Let God work on the fears, resolve them, and create some healthy boundaries.
6. The Law of Evaluation - It is important to ask ourselves, “Am I hurting another person with my personal boundaries?”. You need to evaluate the effects of setting boundaries and be responsible to the other person, but that does not mean you should avoid setting boundaries because someone responds with hurt or anger. Healthy boundaries should never harm another person, but healthy boundaries might displease them. The key word is healthy. Jesus refers to it as the “narrow gate.” It is always easier to go through the “broad gate of destruction” and continue not to set boundaries where we need to. But the result is always the same: destruction. Only the honest, purposeful life leads to good fruit.
7. The Law of Proactivity - For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Many of us have known people who, after years of being passive and compliant, suddenly go ballistic, and we wonder what happened. In reality, they had been complying for years, and their pent- up rage explodes. Proactive people show you what they love, what they want, what they purpose, and what they stand for. These people are very different from those who are known by what they hate, what they don’t like, what they stand against, and what they will not do. Proactive people do not demand. Proactive people are able to “love others as themselves.” They have mutual respect. They are able to “die to self” and not “return evil for evil.” They are able to love and not react.
8. The Law of Envy - What does envy have to do with boundaries? Envy is probably the basest emotion we have. Envy defines “good” as “what I do not possess,” and hates the good that it has. Lucifer envied GOD. He was not satisfied with being one of the most powerful angels, He wanted to be GOD. If we are focusing on what others have or have accomplished, we are neglecting our responsibilities and will ultimately have an empty heart. Envy is a self- perpetuating cycle. Boundary-less people feel empty and unfulfilled. They look at another’s sense of fullness and feel envious. This time and energy needs to be spent on taking responsibility for their lack and doing something about it. Taking action is the only way out.
9. The Law of Activity - Human beings are responders and initiators. Many times we have boundary problems because we lack initiative — the God-given ability to propel ourselves into life.The sin God rebukes is not trying and failing, but failing to try. Trying, failing, and trying again is called learning. Failing to try will have no good result; evil will triumph. God expresses his opinion toward passivity in Hebrews 10:38–39: “ ‘But my righteous one will live by faith. And I take no pleasure in the one who shrinks back’…” We must not shrink back passively. Our boundaries can only be created by our being active, by our knocking, seeking, and asking (Matt. 7:7–8).
10. The Law of Exposure - A boundary is a property line. It defines where you begin and end. The Law of Exposure says that your boundaries need to be made visible to others and communicated to them in relationship. We have many boundary problems because of relational fears. The Bible speaks to this issue in many places. Listen to the words of Paul: “Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truth-fully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. ‘In your anger do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry” (Eph. 4:25–26). The biblical mandate is be honest and be in the light. God wants real relationship with us and wants us to have real relationship with each other. Real relationship means that I am in the light with my boundaries and other aspects of myself that are difficult to communicate.
(Taken from Chapter 7 of “Boundaries” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, 2017)
Each of these laws of boundaries can be viewed as a line in life. A line that, if adhered to, will bring healthy, life-giving results. But if ignored, the cost will be immeasurable. What could have been will never be known.
But for those who are willing to maintain healthy boundary lines in their lives….relationships will bloom, and “the goodness of the Lord” has its very best chance to “be seen in the land of the living”. (From Psalm 27:13)
I’ll close with this rich thought. Who do you think began this whole notion of boundaries? Many authors have written about it and shared their joint views that the first named boundary maker was GOD. We see boundaries laid out beautifully in Genesis 1. Light and darkness were given their boundaries, water and dry land were given boundary lines, fish were created to live in the water and birds for the air… On and on we see that God created and God placed boundaries. Even the garden itself was laid within clear boundary lines. For life to begin, even a babe in a mother’s womb has clear and necessary boundaries where it must remain. The first boundary definer is the One who blesses our willingness to live within set, safe, life-giving boundaries. Boundary lines — they bring honesty, freedom, and goodness.
